Parenting the imperfect way…

Turning mistakes into moments of repair

By Jana Vermeulen, Educational Psychologist

The seatbelt sign had barely switched off when the little boy in seat 23B began a full-throated protest. His mother, tired from the boarding scramble, tried reasoning, then pleading, and finally snapped: “STOP IT!!!” The child’s lip quivered. Silence, that awkward kind, followed. The air was tense and fragile.

Every parent has lived some version of this moment. Whether on a plane or in the kitchen, children have an uncanny ability to find the exact buttons that set us off. These are our triggers, emotional surges that feel bigger than the moment itself. And while deeply uncomfortable, they are also powerful invitations.

WHEN BUTTONS ARE PRESSED

Triggers often trace back to our own stories. Perhaps we grew up believing that “good kids don’t make a scene”, so a public meltdown ignites shame. Or maybe we were raised in an environment where being defied felt like being disrespected, so a child’s “no” feels personal. Our children do not create these emotions; they simply illuminate what is already there.

Recognising this does not make the tension vanish, but it transforms it. A trigger becomes less about our child’s behaviour and more about our own inner landscape. In this way, every emotional flare-up is a teacher disguised as chaos.

WHAT WE CARRY INTO OUR PARENTING

Much of what triggers us as parents stems from the legacy of our own childhood. The rules, expectations and even wounds we carry forward shape how we respond to our children. If we were taught that mistakes bring punishment, we may overreact when our child spills juice or forgets homework. If emotional expression was discouraged when we were young, our child’s tears, sighs or certain facial expressions may stir discomfort, irritation and a lot of judgment inside of us, making us dislike our child in that moment and inviting distance between us.

By noticing these patterns, we create the opportunity for change and closeness. We begin to write a new story, one where empathy replaces reactivity, understanding replaces shame, and repair becomes our compass. This awareness not only shifts our parenting; it reshapes the emotional inheritance we pass on.

THE HIDDEN GIFT OF REPAIR

Back on the plane, the mother in row 23 took a breath. After a pause, she leaned over to her child and said softly, “I shouldn’t have yelled. I was frustrated and wrong. I love you. Can we try again?” The boy softened, moved closer for a hug and the storm passed.

This is the quiet power of repair, the moment we return to connection after rupture. Parenting is never about perfection. It is about showing our children that love can stretch, bend and still hold. Repair teaches that conflict can be survived, relationships can heal and humility is a form of strength.

REPAIR WITH OLDER CHILDREN

With teenagers or older children, repair is likely to look different. They may not respond to hugs or quick apologies the way younger children do. Instead, they need honesty, accountability and respect. You might say, “I was unfair earlier, and I realise that. I want to hear your side.” By admitting mistakes and inviting dialogue, we not only restore connection but also model the foundations of empathy and emotional maturity – the very skills that prepare them for healthy adult relationships, not only with others but also with themselves.

THE PARENT’S GREATEST SKILL

The greatest skill in parenting is not avoiding mistakes; it is knowing how to come back from them. Our triggers help us to grow and our repairs teach our children resilience. Together, they weave a model of love that is honest, forgiving and patient. So, whether you are 30,000 feet in the air or just navigating bedtime chaos at home, remember that your child does not need a perfect parent. They need one who can pause, reflect and reconnect. That is where the real magic of parenting happens.

TRY THIS NEXT TIME:

  • Pause before reacting. Breathe and give yourself a moment to settle.
  • Name your feelings honestly: “I felt frustrated, and I took it out on you. I am sorry, I don’t want that to hurt you.”
  • With teens, invite their voice: “I messed up. You didn’t deserve that. What was that like for you?”
  • Repair quickly. Even a brief acknowledgment rebuilds safety and trust. Remember, repair is not weakness, it is strength in motion.

You will mess up. You will lose your patience. What matters is that you come back, repair, and by doing so teach your child and yourself that love is stronger than mistakes and that it can heal.

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