The Gift of being Seen

Why presence matters more than presents

By Jana Vermeulen, Educational Psychologist

Not every December glows with fairy lights. For some, this period can mean connection and belonging. For others, it quietly or loudly magnifies what is missing … a loved one, rest, ease, belonging and often depth in relationships. The truth is that the festive season can hold both comfort and complexity. It can be joyful and triggering, restorative and exhausting. For many, it is not ribbons and sparkles but the dreaded obligation of showing up, managing emotions and holding it all together.

Still, beneath it all there is a kind of giving that remains constant. Something quieter, deeper and far more healing: the gift of being seen, without expectation and reimbursement.

In my work as an educational psychologist, I have learnt that presence, not perfection, is what steadies us. When a child feels seen, they grow roots. When an adult feels seen, they soften. Being seen does not require abundance; it requires real awareness.

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” – Simone Weil

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF BEING SEEN

To be seen is to be met where you are, not where someone hopes you will be. It is the experience of being understood without performance, of having your emotions noticed rather than corrected.

Psychologically, we call this “attunement”, which relates to the subtle synchrony that happens when one person’s nervous system mirrors another’s. Mirror neurons help us tune into someone else’s feelings, creating a shared emotional rhythm. When that rhythm is kind and steady, the body registers it as safety.

This is why a parent’s calm gaze can settle a child’s storm faster than any lecture. Why a friend’s “I get it” can release a breath we did not know we were holding. Being seen does not fix life’s chaos, but it makes it bearable. If we all slow down, we are likely to notice that we are not hungry for things but rather craving to be seen.

WHEN THE HOLIDAYS FEEL HARD

The festive season can bring connection, but it can also expose the cracks. Grief feels sharper against a backdrop of celebration. Old and current family tensions often reappear in familiar rooms. The pressure to be happy and compliant can feel like another job.

For many people, this time of year is about managing their and others’ expectations, emotions and fatigue. If that is true for you, it does not mean you are ungrateful or a failure for not feeling festive. It simply means you are human. The holidays ask a lot of our nervous systems. And the best gift you can give or receive might be gentleness.

Presence can exist inside the ordinary: a random conversation in the kitchen, a quiet car ride home listening to music, a few minutes of shared silence. It does not need to be loud to be real. You do not need abundance; you just need attention.

HOW DO WE OFFER PRESENCE TO OTHERS?

Being seen starts with small, deliberate steps of taking notice, for example:

  • When you stop what you are doing or put your phone down and look at your child who is proud of something small or sharing a thought.
  • When you listen to your teenager without turning their story into a lesson or pointing out the blind-spots.
  • When you glance at your partner and say, “You seem tired, I’ll make tea.”

These are the micro-moments that strengthen the emotional thread between people. We remember the ones who noticed – not what they bought, but how they noticed.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?

There is one more person who benefits from being seen: YOU!

Many parents and caregivers move through December on autopilot, managing everyone else’s needs while ignoring their own. The result is often irritability, decision fatigue or emotional flatness that shows up just when connection matters most.

So instead of trying to add another task called “self-care”, try a simple mental check-in. Once a day, even just for thirty seconds, pause and ask yourself:

  • What do I really need right now?
  • What is one thing I can let go of today?

If the answer is rest, take five minutes. If it is quiet, step outside. If it is help, ask. The goal is not transformation; it is maintenance. Seeing yourself clearly is a form of regulation, keeping you steady enough to show up for others. Presence begins with noticing, and that includes noticing your own limits.

A NEW SEASON OF SEEING

December often asks us to do too much. What if we treated it as an opportunity to help us see what is working, what is not, and what deserves to come with us into the new year. When we slow down enough to notice ourselves, others, and the spaces in between, perhaps clarity can start to surface.

Being seen, and seeing clearly, are not sentimental ideas. They are how we recalibrate. They remind us where to direct our attention and what to release … and that quiet kind of clarity might be the best way to begin a new year.

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